Sunday, November 15, 2009

so, update.
no park. no picnic. just got sick.
last night, thought i was going to do nothing, but ended up with marcus & tyler.
fun, spontaneous. took lots of pictures. thought it was a good night.
woke up this morning...thought to myself, i'm going to post those pictures up on facebook. WRONG-O. no camera. M.I.A. now i am freaking out, already done crying all i can cry, now i have to wait for response from ty so i can see if i left it at his parents house. crossing my fingers....tightly. oh i am panicked. and so sad.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

mmmm.

let your soul stand ajar, always ready to welcome the ecstatic experience. -emily dickinson.

i will have some free time tomorrow. i think i will take myself somewhere. perhaps a park or something. read, think, calm myself. be in the company of me. yes, sounds good. pack a picnic. take my big park blanket. hmmm. if all else fails and the weather does not cooperate, i will hop in the back of the subie. after all...it IS a subaru. my baby. (all beautiful once again)
i picked up vitamins today. i suspect that i am deficient in b12. as soon as i lay down, i will know if that was the problem...because the tingling will either be there or not be there. cross your fingers. i think i will be able to sleep soundly tonight. let's just have the same certainty that i will wake up when my alarm beckons.
i think i need to work more. no. i know i need to work more. because my hour cut is NOT giving me the same resources that my old hours once gave me. stupid freaking pity jobs for pity-seeking people who screw everyone else overrrr in their search for push-overs.. grrrr. i guess she needs it more than i do, and i will be kind and possibly passive in these circumstances. maybe some sort of opportunity will arise and i will be given a better position. i will have hope and faith.

john b. sheerin said this...
happiness is not in our circumstances, but in ourselves. it is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. happiness is something we are.

beautiful, i know.

how do we nurture our souls? by revering our own life. by reaching the best within ourselves. by taking chances and stretching our boundaries. by leaping into the unknown. by going places we've never been. by having faith and staring down our fears. by embracing our special uniqueness. by doing things for the fun of it. by slowing down, so the important things can catch up. by breathing in wide-open spaces. by walking in nature's wildness. by appreciating each day, moment by moment. by learning to live it all, not only the joys and triumphs but the pain and struggle. by giving more than we take. by being there for others. by making a difference. when we are living a life we love, our souls are singing and dancing.

Friday, October 9, 2009

is it possible

to rewind time?
i wish it was...so i could rewind to today before i cut my bangs. big mistake. now i will have to reconstruct my entire head of hair, since it looks terrible. not to mention that now that this hair will be constantly laying on my forehead, i am gonna be zit-zilla. oh bother. i am a fool.
my precious car gets fixed on the 19th of this month, so that makes me happy. my poor carrrr.
i want to go back to disneyland. is it possible to just live there? because that would make me so so happy. halloween looks so wonderful there, (not that it's not always wonderful there, because it IS.) my two favorite things in one. halloween & disneyland. christmas would be magical there. gosh. that place makes me a different woman. take me there!
i love halloween. i need to finish my costume before i am scrambling to get it done before the blessed date arrives. i am so excited to dress up, to be something else for one day. i wait for the day all year long. i've made my party favors-even though i'm not having a party to hand them out at... i guess i just like the act of making them. little ghosts, like elementary kids would do. i have nothing better to do with my extra time. i have no friends, nothing to do, nowhere to go. besides wal-mart i suppose. i find myself there when i am restless. i miss days of old where i actually had fun things to do. i pretend like i have so much to do, to fool other people and mostly to just trick myself.
before i depress myself i will go, turn on hocus pocus to watch in the company of myself, and hopefully drift off to neverland...where everything is happy.

Monday, September 14, 2009

i see things all the time and i think to myself..."i've got to remember this so i can share it!" yeah i always forget. so i think the thing to do in this situation is to carry a mini notebook and jot notes down and take pictures as well. i want a well documented life of experiences.
if you have never tried this, i suggest it...from a coffee shop (one that has lemonade), ask for a green tea (jasmine green tea is great, or zen tazo tea if you're a starbucks go-er) steamed with lemonade INSTEAD of water. it is glorious, i tell you. so good. if you go with a cup any larger than the smaller ones, i.e. 12oz., then maybe two tea bags would be a good idea. i'm getting one tomorrow.
i love the weather as summer turns to autumn. i am excited for falling leaves and to go to provo canyon. i love boots and jackets and scarves. mmmm. so ready for it all. autumn cuddles are always wonderful. hand holding. PARK CITTYYYY...with cuddles and hand holding and pretty outdoors. pc has it all. i wish i could get a season pass to snowboard this year. i miss it a lot! i miss the canyons. i even have a new subaru to test out in winter weather. i have no one to go with though :( i suppose occasional night boarding at brighton will suffice. better than nothing!
i need to say more, but i need sleep even more than that...
goodniiiiiight neverland

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

school's back in...i have a new routine to get used to again.
i have a communications class that i have to give 11 presentations in this semester. E-freaking-LEVEN. that's so many. i'm getting used to the idea that i will have to be constantly embarrassed.
then, dance & culture, yay...philosophy (i already wanna punch this annoying kid), and meditation, which i think will be what saves me.
um, dry sol makes your pits itch so bad. i haven't used it so long that i had almost forgotten. it's worth it though when you don't sweat out your armpits.
it's possible that i might go to 80s tomorrow night. i want to have jesse come with me, it'd be so much fun. i've got to pack my little bag i always take to slc with me so that i don't run out of supplies while i'm away from home (which is constantly since everything is 30 min-1 hour away).
i'm ready to take a nap tomorrow on my break, already...cause i know i will be a little tired.
little things keep happening everyday that remind me i need to write everything down. everything makes me laugh. and i keep seeing so many beautiful things. and the weather has been so wonderful. sheesh. the past week-ish has been soooo good, but before that was a little rough. i was so hard on jess. he's always so sweet, he never changed anything but i was so stressed out about other things that i took it out on him and i made it seem, in my head, that it wasn't my fault, it was jesse's. NO. i've stopped that, i realized it and we talked and i think i am doing better. i love him. he shows up today and i about fell over...he look daaaaang good. i'm a lucky girl...i have the best boyfriend. he's cute when he's sleepin and breathing hard too. awww my jesse.
I LOVE YOU BOO.

just one more thing before bed tonight...toyota prius commercials make me laugh everytime.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

long time,


no talk.
i haven't posted anything on here for months. i guess i got lazy.
summer has arrived. and it's so hot! i haven't floated any rivers, hiked any mountains, or gone on any walks. i have, however, been enjoying warm air on my face, windows down...in my new car, (that i loooooooove) or in my jesse's. I have been to LA, and disneyland!!! also...which is a story in itself. the original plan was to go to hawaii, oahu. but, our plane tickets were standby. apparently..........this is a busy time to travel to hawaii. there were no open seats on any flight out, even after spending days in the airport listing on flights and trying to get lucky enough to find an open seat. finally, we gave up and decided we would venture over to the happiest place on earth. i had been wanting to go for so long, so that made me happy. i love disneyland...indiana jones, PIRATES :) and the breathtaking fireworks. the last full day we had there we spent at the beach and i got to visit steven...he came to the beach with us. AFTER i had been practically drowning in the ocean waves, a sign was brought to my attention that had a warning that read: warning, ocean water may cause illness due to the high level of bacteria which exceeds health standards. GREAT. yep, sure enough...i am sick. almost better though! even though the trip started out as a nightmare, it turned out to be fun.

this thursday...lagoon. with my boyf. and others...lagoon-a-beach (maybe get a tan)
i'm excited.
and i am a happy girl.

CELEBRATE EVERYDAY

Thursday, April 16, 2009

So tired...but sleep won't come.
i think too much.
vanilla soy milk is good and i guess in some way liking it makes me 'weird'...i've been told that quite a few times today. oh well...i'm used to hearing it, whatever weird means. i am ready for summer outings. bbq's, floating rivers, walks & hikes, rides on my beach cruiser, swimming suits, windows down-warm air on my face, summer jams. mmm, it all sounds so lovely. snow- go away.

Monday, April 13, 2009

exhausted

burned out.
i want to write right now. there's a lot stuck in my head...and in my gut...
but i just can't get anything out. exhaustion...mental, physical, spiritual, emotional.
i am still a rock though...i need to stay strong...for myself at least, if no one else notices my effort.
hfshiubkajfhajkr

i love you, jesse. best friend.

summer, i am ready for you.
E.E.-get the hell out of my life.
aunt flow, i wouldn't mind if you peaced out too.
sleep, i could use a visit from you.
first i will listen to traumerei by schumann.

tunnel vision, i am 2897294 feet away.
goodnight.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


i love stumbleupon.
i find some of the most amazing things using it.
such as the artwork by lawrence yang on suckatlife.com...he also has a blog in case anyone is interested in checkin' it out. blowatlife.blogspot.com

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

yes.

i have so many things to tell, but not enough words & not enough time to do it all in.
i want so many things...i have so many things. i want to SEE so many things. i want to read more...i want to know more. i want a more vast vocabulary so i can explain myself better. i am so happy. i have love...yes.

Monday, January 26, 2009

sol-ip-sism
the theory that only the self exists or can be proved to exist.

to sum up many hours, days, months, years...
i remember saying things, but i have no idea what was said. it was generally a friendly conversation.
it's no one's fault, really. or maybe it's everyone's fault.
the mass media causes sexual misdirection: it prompts us to need something deeper than what we want. This is why woody allen has made nebbish guys cool; he makes people assume there is something profound about having a relationship based on witty conversation and intellectual discourse. there isn't. it's just another gimmick, and it's no different than wanting to be with someone because they're thin or rich or the former lead singer of whiskeytown. and it actually might be worse, because an intellectual relationship isn't real at all. my witty banter and cerebral discourse is always completely contrived....
very soon, i will have nothing more to say, and we will be sitting across from each other at breakfast, completely devoid of banter; he will feel betrayed and foolish, and i will suddenly find myself actively trying to avoid spending time with a man i didn't deserve to be with in the first place.
[this is NOT my current case-perfection as i know it is at my fingertips {appreciation}]
perhaps this sounds depressing. that is not my intention. i am only proving a point. this is all normal. there's not a lot to say during breakfast. i mean, you just woke up, you know? nothing has happened. if neither person had an especially weird dream and nobody burned the toast, breakfast is just the time for chewing cocoa puffs and/or wishing you were still asleep. but we've been convinced not to think like that, silence is only supposed to happen as a manifestation of supreme actualization, where both parties are so at peace with their emotional connection that it cannot be expressed through the rudimentary tools of the lexicon; otherwise, silence is proof that the magic is gone and the relationship is over (hence the phrase "we just don't talk anymore"). for those of us who grew up in the media age, the only good silence is the kind described by the hair metal band Extreme. "more than words is all i ever needed you to show," explained gary cherone on the pornograffiti album. "then you wouldn't have to say that you love me, cause i'd already know." This is the difference between art and life: in art, not talking is never an extension of having nothing to say; not talking always means something. and now that art and life have become completely interchangable, we're forced to live inside the acoustic power chords of nuno bettencourt, even if most of us don't know who the fuck nuno bettencourt is.

i believe in life.
& with that comes, love, art, thought, beauty...
heaven on earth

Saturday, January 17, 2009

a few words

i am a happy person.
practically always & i like things that way.
if something doesn't make me happy, i get rid of it, that's just how it has to go, i've learned.
(i love johnny depp right now. & tim burton. correction; i always love johnny depp.)
even though things are always complicated, that is just something that comes with being alive, and i have learned to work through the complications & make shit work.
i am happy with my situations right now.
lucky me.
'never waste sweet things on people who cannot taste them'. so true. try it
try this too...don't get mad at dumb things. 'will it matter in 5 years?' ask yourself this question. if the answer is no, then quit fretting. the answer is almost always no.
last but not least...never give up. never stop caring. (though i feel it is not humanly possible to not care)
eat, drink & be merry.

Friday, January 9, 2009

my life, 09.

Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries ,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at
(moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics.